The Query
Writing queries is seriously hard work.
At least it was for me. Out of everything else, I think forming a decent query was the hardest part. Well, not counting the rejection letters. Those sucked pretty hard, too.
If you ignore every other piece of advice I have to offer, please listen to this one: Research queries. Write one the best you can. And DO NOT submit it.
There are dozens upon dozens of query contests out there. There are message boards and forums where people will critique your query. Utilize this! See what other people have to say.
Keep in mind that the query is the first hurdle in getting an agent or publisher to look at your work. If I had been just a little bit more patient and had my query critiqued a few times, it wouldn’t have taken me so long to put out FIRE’S KISS. Be patient and create a strong, compelling query.
In order to find some of these query critique contests, Twitter is your most valuable tool. Enter every single one you can find. The feedback you get will be priceless. They’ll point out mistakes you never even noticed.
Even when you think it’s perfect, there is always room for improvement. Now I’m not saying take every little piece of advice someone offers you and incorporate it into your work. You won’t be able to please everyone that offers you feedback. What I (eventually) did was enter several contests and see if more than one person commented on the same thing. Chances are if multiple people tell you something needs to be worded differently/added/deleted/explained, they’re right. Try doing it their way and use your updated query in a new contest. See what feedback you get.
Now I’m going to share something very embarrassing with you. I’m going to show you the very first query letter I ever sent to an agent. Don’t judge me. I like to learn my lessons the hard way.
Dear Ms. ____,
Being a half-demon isn’t easy. Embyr just wants to run her tavern, maintain her quiet life and keep her questionable parentage a secret. All of that goes up in flames when she’s attacked by a hellhound and saved by one of the most feared men in history.
Ryder McLennon, the infamous leader of Death’s Horsemen, has been hunting the vampire who killed his wife for the last eight hundred years. He has effectively killed every emotion inside of him except for hate, earning a reputation as a murderous madman. In Embyr, he discovers something that may just turn the tides of battle in his favor. Her power over fire can reduce an enemy to ash or warm his long-frozen heart.
Now Embyr not only has to deal with an eight-hundred-year-old vampire and the constant fear her power will overwhelm her, but also her attraction to a madman bent on her seduction. Fire’s Kiss is a 94,000-word romantic fantasy cross-over novel. I would love to send you the completed manuscript. Thank you for your time.
Okay, let’s take a look at all the lovely mistakes I made.
First, I have little to no hook in my query. That first paragraph has the potential to become a hook, but it’s too long. Think 1-2 sentences. Check out the taglines on the front of some of your favorite books. That’s a hook.
The second paragraph has grammatical errors and borders on melodramatic. It’s also too wordy and long. Embyr’s introduction is too short, while Ryder’s is too long.
The third paragraph is too vague and doesn’t really make a lot of sense. I was trying to set the stakes of the manuscript and just made a huge muddle of it. I think the very last paragraph is my favorite. Romantic fantasy cross-over novel. It’s not a novel at this point. It’s a manuscript. I would love to send you the completed manuscript. Duh. At least I had the good sense to thank the agent for his or her time.
Obviously, this query didn’t get me very far. Another golden piece of advice: Query in waves. Send out five at the most that first time around. Five might be too high for you, but you may not hear back from all of them. If you get several rejections, take a moment to evaluate your query. Enter a few more contests. See what you can improve. Then send out five more.
After that query letter flopped, I entered a few contests. My query letter had several incarnations, but to post them all here is more humiliation than I can stand.
Eventually, I ended up with my current query letter:
Being a half-demon isn't easy. Neither is being wooed by a mask-wearing warlord with vengeance on his mind. Embyr tends her tavern and maintains her quiet life while keeping her dangerous parentage a secret until she's attacked by a hellhound and saved by one of the most feared men in history. For the last eight hundred years, Ryder McLennon, the infamous leader of Death's Horsemen, has used his army to hunt the vampire who killed his wife. Long devoid of any emotion save hate, he's earned a reputation as a murderous madman. But in Embyr, he discovers something that could turn the tide of battle in his favor. Her control over fire can reduce an enemy to ash and her flippant disregard of him heats his blood in ways no one ever has. She's beautiful, powerful and completely different from her violence-loving brethren. Embyr finds herself thrust into a war she wants no part of, targeted by a vicious vampire because of her cooperation with Ryder. As she tries to use her power over fire without letting the madness of her race overcome her, she also has to fight her attraction to a killer bent on her seduction. FIRE'S KISS is an 89,000-word paranormal romance. The first chapter of FIRE'S KISS was chosen for First Runner-Up in Writerstype.com's March 2012 contest. Per your submission guidelines, I have included a synopsis and attached the full manuscript. Thank you for your time.
Finally, the elusive hook! And we have a paragraph about our heroine and the event that sets her story into motion. The second paragraph is still a little long, but it brings the hero and his interaction with Embyr into the spotlight. The third paragraph sets up the stakes, the things they’ll have to overcome.
Now let’s look at the very last paragraph. As you can see, my word count changed. A pretty serious revision took place. If you change something, don’t forget to update your query. Thanks to contests, I finally have something I can throw in on that closing paragraph. It isn’t much, but it’s better than nothing.
There is so much to learn about queries, mostly because of how important they are. It took a while for me to get from that first query to the last one. I don’t think the last one is perfect, but FIRE’S KISS has gone from ‘manuscript’ to ‘novel’, so it must have done something right.
Don’t skimp on your query letter. It’s a reflection of your writing. Even if an agent or publisher requests sample pages pasted below the query, they may not get that far if your query is poor.
The most dangerous flames burn from within...
Fire's Kiss
by Brittany Pate
Paranormal Romance
November 21, 2017
Being a half-demon isn't easy. Neither is being wooed by a mask-wearing warlord with vengeance on his mind.
Embyr tends her tavern and maintains her quiet life while keeping her dangerous parentage a secret until she's attacked by a hellhound and saved by one of the most feared men in history. For the last eight hundred years, Ryder McLennon, the infamous leader of Death's Horsemen, has used his army to hunt the vampire who killed his wife. Long devoid of any emotion, he's earned a reputation as a murderous madman. But in Embyr, he discovers something that could turn the tide of battle in his favor. Her control over fire can reduce an enemy to ash and her flippant disregard of him heats his blood in ways no one ever has. She's beautiful, powerful and completely different from her violence-loving brethren. Embyr finds herself thrust into a war she wants no part of, targeted by a vicious vampire because of her cooperation with Ryder. As she tries to use her power over fire without letting the madness of her race overcome her, she also has to fight her attraction to a killer bent on her seduction.
About the Author:
Brittany Pate lives in Texas with her husband and son. She is a longtime lover of all things fantasy and romance. When she isn’t writing, she enjoys narrating audio books and drinking entirely too much coffee.
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