Visions of Sugar Plums
This Christmas, it’s not visions of sugar plums dancing in my head, it’s visions of socks. I’m not sure if visions of dancing sugar plums are reserved for little kids or something, but I know that’s not the reason I refuse to have those visions. Even as a little kid, I was very put off by the idea of dancing sugar plums. First, how would sugar plums dance, exactly? The mechanics always threw me. Would they sprout little legs and feet? Or would they just kind of bounce, wiggle and undulate, their plump bodies twitching and jerking to the tuneless piping of hideous flutes? Either way, that’s an unappetizing, insanity inducing vision—something straight out of an H.P. Lovecraft or Robert W. Chambers story. And how could you even think of eating sugar plums after you’d watched them dance? Horrific.
I don’t know the last time you saw one, but sugar plums aren’t all that attractive, either. They’re vaguely buttocks shaped, purple blobs. The sparkly sugar coating seems like it would make them more beautiful, but instead it just feels like they’re trying too hard. Or worse, like they’re purposefully concealing darkness, rot and evil intention beneath a glittering façade, like those deliciously foul pieces of Turkish Delight the White Witch feeds poor Edmund to corrupt him in The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe. Sure, you’d tell yourself, I can eat just one, even though I saw the things dancing beneath the wan light of the gibbous moon. But once you’d managed to choke the first of the wriggling, pulsating monstrosities down, you’d feel compelled to have another, and another.
Thinking about it now, and given the buttocks shape of the candies, it would probably be best if the sugar plums just sprouted little legs and feet in order to dance. But then you’d have to wonder if they should grow arms, too, for symmetry’s sake. And if they went that far, they’d probably need heads. Otherwise their buttocks-shaped, sugar-glittering bodies, would caper and cavort in a plump, blind, squishy, headless frenzy. And that might be worse, in some ways, than crunching their frail bones between your teeth. Ugh.
Regardless of the sugar plums’ exact form, it’s much easier and more attractive to imagine socks dancing. They’d just dance as if an invisible person were wearing them—like colorful, toeless, disembodied feet. The mechanics would be simple and natural. The whole thing would be clean, bright and stately, or maybe cheerful, silly and fun—just like human dancing. No descent into gibbering madness would be required to entertain that vision.
Which is all a long way of saying that I’m hoping for socks for Christmas. That’s why I was having that vision of dancing socks in the first place. Not, you know, because I wanted to, but because that’s how one is supposed to contemplate the things one wants for Christmas. I read that in some dimly remembered poem, or heard it whispered by fell voices in the small hours of the night. That’s how it works. And before you start envisioning my vision of dancing socks, I should let you know that I don’t want regular socks, of course. Regular socks are boring. I want unusual socks. I’ve had my eye on a black pair with the glowering visage of Cthulhu embroidered on them, a scarlet pair with the golden form of the King in Yellow on them, and a bright green pair with pickles. Pickle Ricks, to be accurate. Those socks make up my Christmas wish list this year.
Actually, left to my own devices, I wouldn’t even make up a Christmas list. After all, the holidays aren’t really supposed to be about getting things, are they? No, they’re supposed to be about spending time with the people you love, sharing moments of warmth in a cold, dark world, and spreading cheer to counter the malevolence of the formless void and the mad, idiot beating of hidden drums. Truth be told, I hate the idea of Christmas lists and I wouldn’t ever write one except that certain people, who will remain nameless, always ask for one. Always insinuate that it would be in my best interests to produce one. Hint darkly that they need a list… that they absolutely must have a list. And I’ve learned, from hard experience, not to cross the nameless people—especially not around the holidays. Cross the nameless people and you’re likely to wake up in the middle of the night, screaming and clawing at your face because it’s covered in the throbbing, undulating, squelching, headless, buttock-shaped bodies of the dancing sugar plums… or worse.
Anyway, Merry Christmas to all, and to all, a good night!
A funny supernatural tale with spooky scenes, sincere emotions, and a solidly satisfying ending. — Kirkus Reviews
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Demon Freaks by J.R.R.R (Jim) Hardison
YA Horror/Comedy
Fiery Seas Publishing
October 3, 2017
It’s the night before the SAT test and the forces of darkness are stirring.
Twin brothers, Bing and Ron Slaughter, know they’ve got to cram like their lives depend on it because their college plans sure do. If they don’t ace the test, they’ll be doomed to spend the rest of their days flipping burgers at the McDonald’s their parents run. That’s why they hatch a plan to meet up with the members of their punk band, the Ephits, spend the night studying at a secluded cabin in the woods, and maybe squeeze in a little jamming. What could go wrong with a brilliant plan like that?
Ancient evil. That’s what.
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Fish Wielder by J.R.R.R (Jim) Hardison
Epic Fantasy/YA
Fish Wielder Series (Book 1)
Fiery Seas Publishing
August 23, 2016
Fish Wielder is kind of like Lord of the Rings, set in Narnia, if it was written by the guys who made Monty Python and the Holy Grail while they were listening to the music of They Might Be Giants.
In ancient times, the Dark Lord Mauron cooked the most powerful magic chocolate dessert ever made, the Pudding of Power. One thousand and two years later, the evil leader of the Bad Religion, the Heartless One, is trying to recover the lost pudding in order to enslave the peoples of Grome. Only the depressed barbarian warrior Thoral Might Fist and his best friend, Brad the talking Koi fish, have a chance to save the world of Grome from destruction, but that’s going to take a ridiculous amount of magic and mayhem. Thus begins the epically silly epic fantasy of epic proportions, Fish Wielder—book one of the Fish Wielder Trilogy.
About the Author:
Fish Wielder is J.R.R.R. (Jim) Hardison’s first novel novel (He wrote a graphic novel, The Helm, for Dark Horse Comics). Jim has worked as a writer, screen writer, animator and film director. He started his professional career by producing a low-budget direct-to-video feature film, The Creature From Lake Michigan. Making a bad movie can be a crash course in the essential elements of good character and story, and The Creature From Lake Michigan was a tremendously bad movie. Shifting his focus entirely to animation, Jim joined Will Vinton Studios where he directed animated commercials for M&M’s and on the stop-motion TV series Gary and Mike. While working at Vinton, he also co-wrote the television special Popeye’s Voyage: The Quest for Pappy with actor Paul Reiser.
Jim has appeared on NBC’s The Apprentice as an expert advisor on brand characters, developed characters and wrote the pilot episode for the PBS children’s television series SeeMore’s Playhouse and authored the previously mentioned graphic novel, The Helm, named one of 2010’s top ten Great Graphic Novels for Teens by YALSA, a branch of the American Library Association. These days, Jim is the creative director and co-owner of Character LLC, a company that does story-analysis for brands and entertainment properties. He lives in Portland, Oregon with his lovely wife, two amazing kids, one smart dog and one stupid dog.
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